My mom is now at a more advanced stage of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's Disease. I don't know how much time she has left with us. It could be many years, or it could be sooner. I find that when I stay by her side, hold her hand, stroke her face, kiss her forehead, I am more often than not, moved to tears. A part of me has been crying inside. Wishing she could respond to me the way I would want her to respond. To acknowledge my love, to give me soothing words of love in return. She is still with us, and yet I miss her being fully present. Even if I try, it's very hard to understand what she might be saying, when her mouth moves. Often times, I am not even sure if she recognizes who I am, or if I am just another person who surrounds her.
A part of me feels blessed to be able to take care of her. She is just within reach as we live under the same roof. Anytime I want to, I can easily go to her side, hold her hand, be with her. Pray alongside her as the recording of the rosary plays, or as the mass on EWTN is celebrated. It used to feel like a bit of a burden to have to look over so many aspects of her care. But now I realize it is also a most precious gift.
And yet tears flow when I am with her. I feel like I am now her mother, and she is now my child, a special child to care for. That I have in a way lost my mother, though I have gained a child.
Perhaps this is a similar experience for those who care for their elderly loved ones who have A.D. There is a blessing, but there is also grieving. Gratitude, but also sadness. Longing for what has been, and at the same time a savoring of what still exists, for only God knows how much time is left.
"I love you very much Mom. I only hope and pray that you are as comfortable as you can be, and feel as secure and loved as possible. If ever there is still some iota of recognizing who we are, know that we thank you for all you have done for us as a mother. Stay close to Jesus now as He will be your surest, most constant companion as you go through this latter phase of your life."
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Bless and keep her oh Lord,
and may your face
constantly shine upon her.
