Crossroads Surrender

I’ve got nothing on my mind: nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget. and I’ve got nothing to regret,
But I’m all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I’ve got;
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be, I’m not anymore.

You know I’ve heard about people like me,
But I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
And find they’ve gone the wrong direction.

But there’s no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where I stand.
And I believe I’ll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.

Can you remember who I was? can you still feel it?
Can you find my pain? can you heal it?
Then lay your hands upon me now
And cast this darkness from my soul.
You alone can light my way.
You alone can make me whole once again.

We’ve walked both sides of every street
Through all kinds of windy weather.
But that was never our defeat
As long as we could walk together.

So there’s no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where we stand.
And I believe we’ll walk them all
No matter what we may have planned.

 - Crossroads by Don McLean 

 A lot of us are on the road to or have already crossed the "golden" or "50" line, and have become more conscious of the changes in ourselves as our journey through life continues. Even for those who go through life as if always in a rush, the call to stop for a while and reflect on where we stand also catches up. Sometimes this happens when someone dear passes on, or when our children need us less or leave home, or when we undergo an illness, or a major change in occupation. We find ourselves standing at a still point where activity used to be. We look behind and see the many crisscrossed roads we've taken, while ahead of us lie just as many possiblities and directions. Where to go next? What to do? How far more to reach and what will I find along the path? Who can I count on for support, and whom do I support? Upto how long will I live? How do I really make the most of what I've got? Can I really give my all?

We can take some comfort in the lyrics:

So there’s no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where we stand.
And I believe we’ll walk them all
No matter what we may have planned.

We could just try to enjoy the journey, and trust that whatever road we take will eventually lead to another, and to still other roads... until we finally encounter all the good which we were meant to give and receive along the way. 

We could also reframe Don McLean's words so that we experience the journey as our special walk with Him, our beloved Lord, where

You alone can light my way.

and

We’ve walked both sides of every street
Through all kinds of windy weather.
But that was never our defeat
As long as we could walk together.

As we walk together with our Lord, we surrender to Him all we've got and all we are.. so that the journey becomes double exciting. Hmm, a "sweet surrender"...  this sounds like the lyrics of another song  :-)

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Mindfulness

While enjoying "window shopping" at Manila Seedling Bank yesterday, this very pretty and interesting flower caught my eyes - the way the pink and the white intermingled, the cleanliness of its look, and the funny looking bright yellow centerpiece that seemed almost artificial. It was so nice that I just had to take its picture. Then I noticed a little bee come and rest itself on the yellow center, probably to suck something off from it.

How refreshing it felt to just keep still and keep watching the flower and the bee! There was so much to see and stay with... while drinking in the beautiful and vibrant color of the flower.

While driving home after, I realized that that's what it means to stay in the present moment.

It felt great!

Time in a Bottle

Our family dinner time as we have it today is what I would like to capture and save it in a bottle and preserve it forever.

We start eating between 9:00 to 9:30pm, which is quite late (a la Madrid time daw). It's already bedtime for many households. And yet for us, sleepy or not sleepy, we gather together at this hour. We are usually complete by this time - my husband and I, our children, and my mom. Though busy with our own activities throughout the day, during supper we sit and talk. Conversation can center around a variety of topics ranging from school, work, the latests from current events and familiar people, or stories from family history, politics, religion, values, etc. Or, we can just stay sleepy and not say much of anything.

Some times the occassion even turns into either a mini-business course, at other times almost like a debate session (whew!). Or, an attitude building discourse or sermon on the mount  :-). Or a trip down memory lane. You'd be surprised that it's not only us midlifers who sometimes talk about the past, but even our transitioning adolescent-to-young adult children also bring up something they remember fondly from their own childhood.

For me, whatever we talk about matters less than just the beautiful fact that we are all together, and have this chance to listen and be present to, as well as share with each other in person: how the day went,  what called for more attention, what was meaningful... Even my mom who is usually quiet, seems to enjoy just being there with us.

Haaaaay, what grace, what gift we have in this ordinary everyday moment! A blessing that not too many families nowadays can enjoy due to the complexities and demands of modern living that often make it difficult for nuclear families to be complete for mealtime daily.

One day things will necessarily change for us, as our family moves on into its next stages. But for now, I will really just choose to enjoy this gift we have each night.

Yes, "If I could save time in a bottle," I'd put our family mealtime as we experience it today, right in there  :-)

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In Contemplation

                                                                                  photo by Fr. A. Bugtas, S.J.

As from the sun, descend the rays*

As from the fountain, the waters*

As from the Spirit, births new life

As from the heart, flows Divine Love

Divine Majesty 
Fountain full of life

Spill forth your spirit
In sparkling showers

Enlighten all searching

Lavish on all thirsting

Renewal and healing

Your labour unceasing

You dwell within us

Generous Giver
Of all that is good
Dear self-giving God

 Take now my whole heart

And all of my soul
Everything for you
With deep love and thanks

~ o ~

* from The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, A Literal Translation

I Know My Sheep

"I am the Good Shepherd... I know my sheep and my sheep know me..." These lines have lingered in my mind  and heart recently. It really strikes me how Jesus tried to convey to us with these words the type of love our Lord God has for us. He was not referring to a relationship of authority - a shepherd having authority over subordinate sheep. Or just about duty - a shepherd having a duty to look after the flock. The use of the word "know" touches me. He knows each and every sheep. Though they all sport fuzzy white wool, he is fully aware of who are present and who strays.. or is lost. He knows where the stray one might head for, and where to find it. In like manner, the sheep can recognize right away when it is its shepherd's voice. It feels at home, it feels safe. It even knows that the good shepherd will come looking for it and will still swoop it up into his arms and hold it close inspite of its having strayed away from the flock.

I am amazed that Jesus used this metaphor to describe our relationship with our God. If He used this, it could only be truth. Truth that this is a relationship of deep caring and intimate loving. He could have stopped at, "I am the shepherd and you are the sheep." but instead He made sure that He described this love as: "I know my sheep and my sheep know me...", and more than that, "For these sheep, I will give my life..."

Truly our Good Shepherd.

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He Gave Us His All

While praying over the Last Supper, it dawned on me that this was one of the most beautiful scenes in the life of Jesus - the moment when Jesus, amidst his turmoil of emotions due to frustrations over hypocritical structures, anger and hurt over fickleness and betrayals, and also sadness over the little limited time He had left, still stayed very focused on his mission to impart his Father's love to us. This He did during the Last Supper by giving us the gift of his very self in the form of the bread and the wine which He clearly said was his very body and blood. Bread blessed, broken and then shared. Wine blessed and then shared. Nothing less than He himself that was soon to be broken was being shared. His own very flesh and blood given!

It was more than enough that He had already reached out to so many people, including the most unwanted or shunned, performed miracles and told parable after parable about his Father's generous and forgiving love, assured us that He was the Good Shepherd who knew and loved every one of his sheep, that like the woman who continued to search unceasingly for her lost coin, He would always be here for us. His teachings were well documented and would stay a source of rich inspiration for generations to come. 

But no, even in his last, most difficult moments on earth, He still very deliberately gave us this precious gift of his whole self as manifested in the Eucharist - His very self that would endure so much suffering and even death out of love for us. In giving us the gift of the Eucharist, He gave us His all - forever!

Two thousand years since that memorable Last Supper, the Eucharist as well as the Blessed Sacrament, which we know as his True Presence, continues to affect us deeply. Sitting and praying before the Blessed Sacrament, or receiving Him into our own body and soul at mass, we are drawn closer each time to His loving and lifegiving heart. How amazing that this continues to this day! How fortunate for us that He chose to give us His all! 

My dearest Lord,

In the Eucharist

You gave us everything

Each and every and all of you.

Teach me now to do the same

To give you the whole of me

The each and every and all of me

To genuinely imitate the way 

You gave us Your all

Amen.

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Finding God on the Roll

Last week, we celebrated our daughter's birthday in a rather unique and creative way, by going to Enchanted Kingdom. We plotted our series of rides, intentionally leaving the roller coaster for the climax. Our children had no second thoughts about it - they were going to ride! The roller coaster was precisely the reason why we chose to go to this place. 

I found myself wanting to do the same, but also very scared. Just looking at the coaster from afar was enough to tense up my whole system. Three times the coaster would be totally upside down! This was really a challenge for one who easily gets dizzy from an octopus ride, or that sinking feeling on a ferris wheel on its way down. There was a part of me though, that really wanted to do it. Perhaps this was a midlife urge - to break away from old fears and to move forward with a new way of living more daringly and courageously.  

Then it was time!  My hands grew cold, my heart felt tight. Until I decided to resort to the one sure way I knew would bring inner strength and peace - the act of surrender, of entrusting the whole of my being to Him. So when we were finally seated (at the very front row, for that is what these most daring kids of ours wanted!) and strapped securely in place, I decided to close my eyes and pray, "Lord, envelope me with your presence and be with me all the way so that I can survive and even enjoy this ride!"

Then the roller coaster began to move, swinging backward, lunging forward, curling up and circling 360 degrees, then with growing momentum, again lunging forward and then circling 360 degrees for the second time, then upon dropping down, quickly circling 360 degrees for the third time, and so on and so forth. Everything happened so fast, and people were screaming. I remained very quiet thoughout, while my eyes saw only darkness. I did feel some push and pull movement, the cool wind, and the security of the two straps, which all throughout I imagined to be Jesus arms holding me securely in place!)  Then in a short while, the whole ride was over. (What! So soon?!) 

We made it, hooray!! But my real joy was internal. I felt that this roller coaster ride was a real encounter with the Lord. A very special moment of feeling securely wrapped with His presence, a moment when fear was relegated to the back while the choice to just place myself in His hands and surrender my fears to Him enabled me to experience inner peace and courage. 

Who could have imagined that a roller coaster ride would turn into a graced encounter, a memorable spiritual experience!

Finding God on the roll... 

I'd gladly do it again, but next time, perhaps with eyes wide open!


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