Traversing the Unknown

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

- Thomas Merton

Today marks the 40th day after a most difficult and sad awakening that feels almost like death.  Forty days of grieving and gradually mourning over immense loss, of slowly traversing this new road that is still so uncertain and ambiguous. One day at a time. One baby step at a time. One present moment at a time.

Jessie Lichauco said, "We don't count age by years but by LIVING."  What might it mean to really live as we age?  Really live... and really love, despite feeling painfully broken and truly hurt and saddened over loss?   What might possibly lie ahead onwards from this 40th day?

No easy answers. No shortcuts. No magic wand to cast all away from reality.  But, I do know You are still here with me, my dearest Lord, and that You will always be with me, through all that is yet to come.  I seek refuge in your words:

"... be in silence.

Make peace with your fears,

and trust in Love."

    - Psalm 4

I Will Be Here

I like this old song (popularized by Gary Valenciano) very much because the words provide much consolation during moments when I feel most vulnerable and alone. Like a child in need of a hand to hold on to, and in need of another's eyes that can show the way through the dark, I listen to every word of the song and am again reminded of what He asks: "Trust me. I will be here."

I WILL BE HERE

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up

And the sun does not appear

I...I will be here

If in the dark we lose sight of love

Hold my hand and have no fear

'Cause I...I will be here

I will be here

When you feel like bein' quiet

When you need to speak your mind

I will listen

And I will be here

When the laughter turns to cryin'

Through the winnin' and losin' and tryin'

We'll be together

'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up

And the future is unclear

I...I'll be here

Just as sure as seasons are made for change

Our lifetimes are made for years

I...I will be here

I will be here

You can cry on my shoulder

When the mirror tells us we're older

I will hold you

And I will be here

To watch you grow in beauty

And tell you all the things you are to me

I will be here

I will be true

To the promise I have made

To you and to the

One who gave you to me

I...I will be here

And just as sure as seasons are made for change

Our lifetimes are made for years

'Cause I...

I will be here....

We'll be together, forever

'Cause I will be here

I will be here

- Steven Chapman

These words also ring true for how I feel towards those entrusted to my care: 

If in the dark we lose sight of love

Hold my hand and have no fear

'Cause I...I will be here

I will be here

When you feel like bein' quiet

When you need to speak your mind

I will listen

And especially, 

I will be true

To the promise I have made

To you and to the

One who gave you to me

But in their need of a hand to hold on to, and of eyes to help them see through the darkness of their own vulnerabilities, instead of  saying, "Trust me,"  what I share with them is, 

"Trust Him. He will be here."

 
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