Autumn Warmth

"And for all this, nature is never spent;

There lives the dearest freshness deep down things.."

                     - Gerard Manley Hopkins

              God's Grandeur

I can't seem to shake off my attachment to the beautiful scenery of autumn leaves that I was fortunate to see last month. The vibrant, fiery colours seemed to shout out their beauty that one has no choice but to drink it all in, till the "cup runneth over."  The colours are warm even if they signal the coming colder months. The leaves call out as a whole, not individually, even though each leaf is actually very nicely shaped in itself. No wonder Albert Camus reflected, "Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower."  How true!  A tree that holds a whole bunch of fiery flowers!

It would be nice to seek these type of scenery out again and again in the future.

Sigh! 

Traversing the Unknown

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

- Thomas Merton

Today marks the 40th day after a most difficult and sad awakening that feels almost like death.  Forty days of grieving and gradually mourning over immense loss, of slowly traversing this new road that is still so uncertain and ambiguous. One day at a time. One baby step at a time. One present moment at a time.

Jessie Lichauco said, "We don't count age by years but by LIVING."  What might it mean to really live as we age?  Really live... and really love, despite feeling painfully broken and truly hurt and saddened over loss?   What might possibly lie ahead onwards from this 40th day?

No easy answers. No shortcuts. No magic wand to cast all away from reality.  But, I do know You are still here with me, my dearest Lord, and that You will always be with me, through all that is yet to come.  I seek refuge in your words:

"... be in silence.

Make peace with your fears,

and trust in Love."

    - Psalm 4

Lovely Dwelling Place

The home my siblings and I grew up in was built in 1954. I lived there for 26 years, moved out when I got married, and came back with my husband and three children after 13 years, to take care of our mother. We then lived there for 15 years, until our own home was built and we moved out. Cumulatively, 41 years of my life was spent there.  

Very recently, my sister and I passed by the place, only to witness a very jarring sight. In just 11 months from the time the new owners took over, they demolished everything to the ground. The place looked like rubble. It was very painful to see, even if it really no longer belonged to our mother anymore.

I have not yet grieved this new reality. When I think of the place, so many memories flood my mind. We had lived and breathed the place. It was truly home.

In reminiscing the years gone, the music and lyrics of this song comes gently to mind as I think of this lovely place.

HOW LOVELY IS YOUR DWELLING PLACE
by Fr. Arnel Aquino S.J.

How lovely is your dwelling place,
Oh Lord, mighty God, Lord of all.

Even the lowly sparrow finds a home for her brood
And the swallow a nest for herself
Where she may lay her young
In your alters my King and my God.

Blessed are they whose dwelling
Is Your own, Lord of Peace.
Blest are they, refreshed by springs and by rain
When dryness daunts
Behold my shield, my King and my God.

I would forsake a thousand other days anywhere
If I can spend one day in Your courts,
Belong to You alone,
My strength are You alone.
My glory, my King and my God.

For the past many years this lovely dwelling place was filled with family, conversation, play, comings and goings of relatives and visitors, other household activity and the hustle and bustle of daily living. There was rarely a time when the house was empty of people, until it was sold.

Personally, this sanctuary was very much sacred space. Certain spots overlooking the garden areas would come alive and present themselves as prayer spaces. God's love could easily well up like a natural spring in my heart just by quiet gazing over grass, leaves and sky.  Flowers of different colors would appear and disappear. Close to twilight, the nostalgic smell of burning leaves would float, in tune with  cricket sounds, bird chirping and tree leaves rustling with the blowing wind. All of these were like a calm massage for the soul, making contemplation and conversation with Him soothing and natural. Yes, His Spirit was truly present. This was the gift of home. 

How much lovelier  could a dwelling place be, oh Lord, mighty God, Lord of all?  

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 View from the street

 Young caballero

 Langka in front, ilang-ilang beside it

 Main entrance

 Living room

Mom's favorite station during the day

 Two rocking chairs

 Dining overlooking the garden

 Yellow bird chimes on the old willow tree

 Upstairs mini-corridor

 Mama Mary and Jesus looking over Mom

 Morning prayers by the cross on the wall

 Attempting a Trellis

 Tiny plot beside the terrace, with Our Lady

Our Lady of Guadalupe

with cross made from the star apple tree

 Special sampaguita and bougainvillea lane

 View of the garden from upstairs

 The old garge

Kitchen entrance

My childhood mantle

Climbing up and standing here

to see what goes on "over the bakod"

Main gate, inside going out

View when standing under the main entrance door

Rustling leaves

Prayer Space

 My Lord and my God

 Forget me not

Bougainvilla, red palm

Evening prayer

Bench along the car porch

 Second gate

 Basketball along the driveway

 Towards the garage

Wooden bench under the willow tree

Taken on the last day of ownership

before leaving the place for the very last time.

Home

1954 - 2015

Beautifully illustrated by Jordan Osbourne

Even the lowly sparrow finds a home for her brood

And the swallow a nest for herself

Where she may lay her young

In your alters my King and my God.

How lovely is your dwelling place,
Oh Lord, mighty God, Lord of all.

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Stillpoint

After the Good Friday service, it was great to be able to just sit quietly in front of the venerated cross after everyone else had left the chapel, and to be "alone with the Alone." 

      

The stillness and quiet around became one with the stillness and quiet within, A stillness that had been making its presence felt for sometime now, as if begging to be recognized, acknowledged and savored.

Later, on the way to the car, the site overlooking the valley below caught my attention. The lovely twilight scene on a Good Friday was like the prelude to Easter.  A word whispered repeatedly in my ear: "Stillpoint."  Inner quiet. Freedom. Joy. The space where my heart just knows how real and how true is his steadfast and most faithful love. The love that will always be here.  

 My dearest Lord,

 Thank you for your miracle, your gift, 

of this precious Stillpoint;

where your faithful, Divine Love

meets my struggling, imperfect love

in silence and stillness;

where gratitude now longs

to be transformed into

 a vessel for your love

 to also flow through 

to many others.

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Sanctuary

Last October, after grueling weeks of reviews and exams, I set off for a day of rest. Before setting out, I happened to see a book that had been lying around my pile of books for years but that I just hadn't picked up and read. Esther de Waal's "Lost in Wonder" turned out to be the perfect spiritual companion for this perfect sanctuary. Talk about experiencing our God in all things. I was only looking to rest, but ended up being filled to the brim with gratitude and grace in this wonderfully silent, serene space. 

"Listen to the silence,

let it enfold you,

like a piece of music,

like bird-watching."

-E. de Waal

"O God, 

I commend to you this time

and ask you to bless

and to strengthen me

in my heartfelt search

for that silence and stillness

in which I pray

I shall find you

and you shall find me."

-E. de Waal

"You do not have to

Look for anything, just

 Look.

You do not have to 

Listen for specific

Sounds, just

Listen.

You do not have to

Accomplish anything, just

Be,

And in the 

Looking, and the

Listening, and the 

Being, find
Me.

-Ann Lewin

"I desire to be all silence,

all adoration,

to penetrate ever deeper and deeper into God,

and to be so filled with God

that I may in my prayer

give him to those who do not know him."

-Elizabeth of the Trinity

"My Lord and my God!"

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